Didn't know initially if I was going to share this read on my blog. A couple of you have already read it via email. But I rec'd so many nice replies that it really had a sistah a lil' choked up & emotional. But after talking to my baby sis about it, I decided to share. It's lengthy... but as Nabs told me the last night, the longer the better! lol...
My 2008 in Review....
Wow... what a year it's been. I haven't had this rough a year in all of my existence. But the one thing I'm grateful for... is after being knocked down, torn down & even beat down with fear, doubt & emotions... I was/am STILL able to get up, shake the dust off, LEARN from it & keep moving forward. Is it easy? Not always. But that's one of the lesson's I've learned. It's okay to get down, yes. But it's NOT okay to stay there.
My year started out w/ me unemployed. And not just unemployed, but unemployed for the 1st 4 1/2 months, carried over from the last month of 2007. If you would have ever asked me if I saw that coming, I would have wholeheartedly shot you down. Out of work for 5 1/2 months? Never. Yet... there I was. Strugglin'. And in ways I've never struggled before. I was on a roller coaster ride of widespread emotions. I'd talk myself up & out of my funk... and then let uncertainty & doubt carry me right back into it. I remember writing in my blog about losing when I should be winning (in the middle of the year). I wrote:
"I guess you can't always win, huh? Maybe that's what's wrong with my so called life. I'm used to always winning. But over the last few years... I've been losing like a mutha sucka. (Err... um... sort of.) Losing friends (well, two. One of which I can truly say I don't miss as SHE'S the one who LOST her mind)... losing jobs (laid off twice)... NOT getting the jobs I'm USED to getting and thus questioning (or losing) my fiyah... losing weight, then gaining; then losing again... sometimes just due to stress. Losing money (pay cuts are a b!tch). Losing contracts. Losing my creative process. Losing my MIND. Losing w/ men. (Feel free to stop me at anytime =o)...) But... I guess them jokers are losing out on me, right? Losing the fight at keeping my winning swagger in tact (at times) or the up & down's of the taste of starting to win a little bit... only to get knocked back down to the feeling of "I can't win for losing," again. *sigh* I'm losing my patience."
Wow. Self reflection will fuel your fire to keep going, no? =o) But, I can't tell you how many "How did I get here" moments... and "Come to Jesus meetings" of self reflection I had w/ myself during the year. *sigh*
Ended up with a serious case of the flu. And as a matter of fact, thought I was going to die. I have NEVER been that sick in my life. Couple that w/ the fact that I was unemployed & uninsured, it took the meaning of a double edged sword to a whole different level. Imagine that... me, uninsured. Yeah, well... I couldn't. Didn't want to go to the ER, either. All because I couldn't fathom racking up a massive bill for a trip to that joint. But... I couldn't breathe. My choices were die or live. Or at least, so I thought. I obviously chose the latter. Imagine my pride coming full circle when the nurse came in to see me & asked, "What type of insurance I had?" *smh* Geeze... I had to muster up the strength to say, "None." And my surprise when she responded to me with, "That's okay." They're running tests & hooking me up to a breathing machine. The lady comes back & says they're going to be doing (3) chest x-rays. I kid you not, when I tell you that the first thing that was going through my head was to ask her... "Um, how much for a chest x-ray? And did I really need (3) as opposed to (1)?" But they needed to make sure the flu hadn't turned into Pneumonia. In the end, I can't even begin to express the level of my gratefulness on how much my bill was. Or the fact that I ended up being okay. But once again, God was blessing me in the midst of my storm.
That wouldn't be my only trip to the ER in 08. Ended back in the ER in August for a rash on my foot. Something so minute turned into something huge, as I apparently was having an allergic reaction to the fungus in the rash - which brought on more things to deal with. My face & eyes were swelling like crazy, the reaction I developed had my hands, feet, elbows, arms & knees breaking out w/ these clusters that sent me into over-stressed mode. I ultimately was put on anti-fungal creams, anti-bacterial meds, steroid creams & benadryl. My blood pressure shot up to an extremely unsafe level - because stress was beatin' me up like I stole something... And I didn't even know it.
I took a contract gig, only to get let go due to "budget cuts" (clearly the economy wasn't getting better) and the 2nd one, just to have an income coming in while I figured out my next move. It was time to bat down & switch up from the... "How did I get to this point" reflections, to "How do I get from/beyond this point" actions. =o)
I will say that I had some great friends step up. Mentally, financially... encouraging, motivating, supporting, loving... you name it. The circle was small, but big in strength, determination & direction. I lost a few close friends in '08 (and the end of '07). And going into the start of '08, that stuff was weighing on my heart. Substantially. I kept praying... talking to God about it... And finally asked him to show me if it was me or how to deal with it. Of course my ride or dyer's were like... "Screw them tricks!" But... I was looking for deeper words, I guess. And I was at a contract gig reading Joel Osteen's book, 'Become A Better You' when I stumbled across an excerpt called "the gift of good-bye." That means when somebody who is pulling you down chooses to leave, you may not realize it, but he/she just did you a great favor. Don't look back; instead keep looking forward. Get ready for the new thing God wants to do in your life. When somebody leaves your life or a relationship is over--don't get upset. Don't try to talk them into staying. Let God do the new thing. Understand that your destiny is not tied to the people who walk away from you. And as the tears were rolling down my face, I realized that that was the word I was asking God to give me in order to release the weight of those lost friendships that was weighing on my heart. And I still apply it to this day. People will treat you any ol' kind of way, if you let them. And you can never change what you tolerate. As long as you accept it & accommodate it, you're going to stay right where you are. There obviously was more to that chapter, but seeing though I wasn't trying to make this "2008 review" a book & it's already moving in that direction, I need to cut this short. =o)
I will say, however, that going to see "Sex In the City" w/ one of my girls & some of her homegirls... had me reveling in the fact about how those chicks, both on the screen & in my presence, had each other's back through the ups & downs. They fought ... but always found a way to find their way back to that friendship. I remember my girl texting me the next day to say "thanks" for hanging out with them & me responding w/ how nice it was to see her & her girls sustain their friendships after all these years and how nice it has been to watch them grow over the years in those friendships; cause I'd been there through their ups & downs. Did it make me reminisce about some of my old friendships? Of course. Especially the one that was my fault, per se, in falling by the wayside.
But what I do know is... when someone steps back, another steps up. And for those who stepped up & weathered the storm w/ me during my rough patch in '08, I'm beyond grateful. Whether it was something you deem big or small - I deem it a blessing. I gained humility & learned to be humble. =o) If you're reading this by email, or maybe even by blog, chances are you've touched my life in some way, shape or form in '08. Even if you've been or are acting like an azz, there's something I've learned from you or something I'm grateful to you for. Because if there's one thing I've learned over time, it's that friendship isn't always constant or consistent, but we are hopefully always growing consistently as individuals. I've grown enough to say "thanks" even when it might not be warranted or deserved at this point, because at some point, it was. And whether we're friends or not, I'm grateful to anyone who has added quality to my life along my journey.
You know, I woke up this morning & watched "The Pursuit of Happyness". Considering I've owned the book since before the movie came out & never read the joint and bought the movie for Christmas & still haven't opened it, it was PAST time to see the movie. What a message. But you know... the part that hit me was this man's unwavering determination. I listened to him say... that when he was young & he'd get an 'A' on a history test or whatever, he'd get this good feeling about all the things he could be... and then never become any of them. Sadly... I fit that bill, at times. You can always relate to a message, when you see yourself in it.
When Will (Chris) got the job at the end of the movie, I was in tears before he was. All because someone saw his determination and believed in him enough to give him an opportunity. As I wrap this up, let me just say that God never performs His greatest feats in your yesterdays. So obviously this means things are looking up for me. =o) You can't have great victories without having difficult battles. You'll never have a great testimony without going through a few tests. I've got a few things up my sleeve for '09 & I'm excited about it. While watching Oprah a couple of days ago, she had people take the 'Happiness Test'. It's a series of (5) questions in which you could score a 1 - 7. 7 being the highest on each question. I'm not going to tell you what I got, but I guessed two of the three people on stage that scored a 34 or higher on their happiness test. And after listening to the last guy speak, the oldest-who was also a funeral home director, and two of the others, I realized that I'm going to stop letting circumstances determine my happiness factor. The man said something that anyone could carry with them in life, when asked about his level of happiness. He said (not exactly verbatim), people equate happiness to success or success to money, when what it's really about is significance. I was nodding my head in agreement. Have you ever had someone make you feel insignificant? Or given up on you? Wowzers. That mess can sting. But when someone has made you feel like you're significant or has made a significant difference in adding something to your life, it's a helluva feeling. And I've learned that people won't always remember what you say... but they will always remember how you made them feel. Some of you have made a bigger difference in my life than you could ever imagine. All because you supported me, believed in me enough to grant me an opportunity, or never stopped believing in me to begin with. Trust, I appreciate it.
As I finally wrap this up (I'm sure some of you are saying... FINALLY!) lol... Let me include the fact that there were definitely some ups in 2008. =o) I was a delegate for Obama on the House District, County & State level (yes, THREE times!)... and he WON! Got a new gig--complete w/ a fabulous boss, rekindled some old friendships, caught up w/ blogging buddies on my business trips to Cali & vacationing in NC, I stopped trying to con myself into liking someone who was annoying on many levels, couldn't go to the movies right AND also wore sugah short running shorts to run in (sorry I couldn't resist throwing that one in there) - just because he was a "nice" guy. *smh* I know I just finished talking about "significance" but... ALL of those things were a SIGNIFICANT distraction... and you really haven't heard the 1/2 of it. Checked out Charlotte, NC to see if I want to move there; I love it! Got flown to Cali and Vegas by friends, my favorite co-worker (and friend) had her baby prematurely, but healthy, became a god-mother to (2) of my cousins, road-tripped it w/ my favorite person--my mom, my nephew got out of the terrible twos & turned 3, no deaths in my immediate family, got to see my favorite uncle for the first time in some years, I lasted an entire football season w/out competing in fantasy football (wowzers! that's BIG!), started blogging again, listened to, watched & learned from successful people, and discovered the fabulousness that is El Torito in Cali. lol... Just to name a few.
Anyhoo... I've never done a year in review this in depth that I even felt like sharing; if I've even done one at all. And if you've made it this far in the read, you really are a trooper. =o) I just started writing and... more so for a blog than an email; yet somehow it feels a lil' like a testimony. lol...
Regardless... Infinite blessings are wished to each of you in this new year. And remember, if you have the right attitude, you will give birth to more in the future than you've lost in the past. Here's to 2009 and a new set of goals & accomplishments!
Be Blessed,
~BK
