Guess who?! Yes... I know. SURPRISE!! =) I haven't been here in quite the minute. There are many reasons, though. Blah, blah, blah... But... gone are the days of blogging daily, for most. Luckily, I've added it back on my list of things to get back to doing, as writing has always been one of my passions. I'll keep you posted as the updates take flight.
Anyhoo... As most of you know, my dad passed in January. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. He had a stroke - two days after Christmas and... though he was a fighter for 8 add'l days, The Most High called him home in January. I was/am super closer to my father (yes, it's still difficult to talk about him in past tense). I am also super close to my mother. I think back & I marvel at how amazing God is & how he works. When I was laid off last year, I wasn't even mad. Actually welcomed it. When my boss said, "I feel so bad to have to do this. I'm sorry." My response was... "Don't be sorry, I'm not. It's really okay. I'm good." I took my severance & filed my paperwork for UE. It allowed me to take my dad back & forth to his doctor's appointments, go to appointment after appointment at the V.A. with him, talk to his doctor's, hang out with him... and in the big scheme of things... spend more time with him. As I'm definitely a momma AND a daddy's girl. =) It wasn't all roses, though. I can admit, I'm not a fan of V.A. care. Their entire process frustrates the heck outta me. Luckily, he was doing that in addition to seeing his regular doctors. Never the less, a stroke was highly unexpected. I stayed at the hospital all 8 days. He passed w/ my mom holding one hand & myself holding the other - as we watched him take his last 3 breaths.
I have no regrets, as I gave my dad my best. Yet, I was heartbroken. I cried so much the tears were burning my face. But, I am beyond thankful for the support I received. Some of the great friendships I established from blogging itself... reminded me sooo much of how blessed I am to have them in my life. Some of which I hadn't even spoken to in a grip. Folx were sending flowers, gift baskets, cards, money, texts, phone calls, bbm's, wanting to jump on airplanes... etc. My heart was sooo touched. And even though I wasn't at a point where I could talk... I was overwhelmed by how often y'all checked up on me (and still do). So, thank you. I count myself blessed. Y'all rock!
I was amazingly stronger than I thought I'd be at his funeral. I kept praying & praying for strength, because I wanted to speak at his funeral. I'm telling you, The Most High definitely answers prayers, as he afforded me strength beyond my wildest expectations, which allowed me to speak in tribute at his homegoing. It's been in the weeks afterwards where I've had my days of down from missing him. His bday was 5 days after his funeral, then my parent's anniversary, then Valentine's Day, then the church anniversary (my dad was an elder)... so it's been in the weeks after where I've had my bouts w/ the tears. I've been to his grave site 6 times already. =) Goodness, I'm asking myself why I'm choosing to blog about this now, as I'm in tears. But... I really wanted to share it. Trust me, I'm fine. I just realize that I'll always miss him. It's definitely okay to shed my tears now & then. It's part of the process. Anyhoo... my tribute is below. Read when you have time. It's not a necessary read, though. One of my girl's just asked me to share it - as she was at the funeral. =)
"As we celebrate the homegoing of my dad, I thought I'd share a few words regarding him & who he was to me.
What a blessing he was to those who knew & loved him. He was the most humble guy I've known. He was VERY giving, super knowledgeable & full of wisdom, very loving, a GREAT listener and an even better talker! He had a 100 watt smile that could light up a room & a laugh that was sooo contagious - especially when accompanied with one of his animated facial expressions. He loved his family, both immediate & extended; he loved his wife of 47 years (they would have celebrated 48 years a month from today); and most importantly, he loved the Lord.
My father was blessed with a trait that I believe very few of us have... and that's the ability to remain calm in the midst of a storm. And it didn't matter how turbulent the storm might have been; he ALWAYS kept it together. I can remember a couple of instances where I was two steps from acting the fool & my dad simply touching my shoulder & letting me know with just a look - "I've got this." By watching him, I learned the importance of thinking first and speaking second... as it absolutely makes a difference.
Having been very close to my dad, I've had the opportunity to share some great conversations with him. He loved to play golf and as a little girl, I LOVED to drive his golf cart; as it gave me the opportunity to talk to him & have daddy/ daughter time. I can remember when he first taught me how to drive a golf cart & how excited I was. Until I ran into the back of his close buddy (Mr. *Blank's*) brand new golf cart. Yikes! But this was one of the moments I was grateful for that calmness trait he was blessed with. I also remember my 1st golfing lesson, which he just happened to inconveniently choose on a busy day on the golf course - which meant that on every hole, there were a few people waiting for you to tee off so that they could in turn do the same. I was frustrated because I kept missing the ball & only hitting divets of grass, instead. I remember finally hitting the ball & aiming for it to go flying down the course; only for it to hit the ball washer to the front right of me & plop right back down in front of me. I remember the guys waiting to tee off, laughing. And yes, my dad was conveniently laughing along side of them. But, he quickly reassured me that with time & effort, I would get better and that it was okay because I tried. I learned humility & that it's okay to laugh at yourself from time to time. I also learned that practice makes permanent. So in my adult years I purchased my mom & I some golf shoes so we could take lessons. And although I'll never get the opportunity to beat him on the golf course, I'll forever have the opportunity to follow in his footsteps. =)
Years ago, after the Colum.bine shoot.ing, my dad & I were watching a memorial service on TV for one of the female victims. I looked over at my dad to see tears rolling from his eyes. I asked, "Did you know her?" His reply was, "No. But, I wish I did." And then my tears started to roll also. I also remember, early on, having a conversation with him about how I would go out of my way for friends or people & how since they never seemed to do the same, I was going to stop doing it. He promptly asked me, "Are you doing it to get something in return?" I said, "no. I do it because I like to see people smile or make them happy." He relied, "Then you've got to keep doing it." I learned that I was blessed to have the same caring/ giving hear as my dad. And although at times I feel like it's both my upswing & my downfall... I've learned that you don't have to know someone personally to be touched by their life story. And that's evident by the many of you who may not have known him personally, but simply came out to support someone who did, today. I also learned that great givers are great getters. And that's not in the materialistic sense, but in the aspects of love, respect, admiration, appreciation & inspiration.
On another instance, when an old ex boyfriend of mine, who - though we were no longer together, I, low key still thought might be my knight in shinning armor - called to tell me about his impending engagement and I cried my heart out for four days straight... I remember my dad comforting me & he simply said: "Do you want me to go out there & beat him up?!" I simply had to laugh through the tears at the though of him wanting to fight him at all. But, when I laughingly replied, no, dad... he simply hugged me & reminded me of how special I was & how it was his loss. He said, "Never forget not only WHO you are, but WHOSE you are... as your worth is not in ANY man down here, but rather in the MAN upstairs." He taught me that words have the power to tear down or uplift. And that when you chose the latter, you have the power to help rebuild someone who may feel the former... because people may not always remember what you've said, but they'll always remember how you made them feel.
Not too long ago, my dad & I were discussing life situations and out of the blue he smiled & stated: Never let anyone make you think that God is not God & that he doesn't care. And this was when it seemed to me that he had forgotten how to smile. That smile, once again, lit up the room - as well as my heart. You see... he taught me that God is STILL in control. That God sustains even in the midst of sadness. For I know that weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. My dad lived an AMAZING life. He was the total package. And although I already miss him so... I'm grateful for all of the years I was blessed to be able to spend with him. I have NO regrets, as I gave my dad my best. He was definitely loved & most definitely touched the hearts of many. If you can take anything with you from him, it was his attitude about life. Because always remember... if you have the right attitude, you will give birth to more in the future than you've lost in the past. So to the most humble guy I know... rest peacefully in heaven, dance like no one's watching & rejoice for the life you lived. No one will ever compare. I love you."
Anyhoo... Y'all have a great day! I'll be heading to my boxing class in a couple of hours so... I really need to get going. I'll be back this week, though... with something a lot different. Something a bit more upbeat. =)
Be blessed!
~BK
