Losing When I Should Be Winning & Vacation...

It's been a minute, I know...
Ive been dealing with something called LIFE... or a lack thereof.

Let me just say... I love and hate this site. I hate the fact that I can't privatize a post after I've posted it. WTH is that about? I hate the fact that there's no protected posting application. Grrrr... And I definitely don't like the fact that this joint is not so user f-in friendly. But... I do like the new atmosphere, I guess. I guess you can't always win, huh? Maybe that's what's wrong with my so called life. I'm used to always winning. But over the last few years... I've been losing like a mutha fucka. (Err... um... sort of.) Losing friends (well, two. one of which I can truly say I don't miss as SHE'S the one who LOST her mind)... losing jobs (laid off twice)... NOT getting the jobs I'm USED to getting and thus questioning (or losing) my fiyah... losing weight, then gaining; then losing again... sometimes just due to stress. Losing money (paycuts are a b!tch). Losing contracts. Losing my creative process. Losing my MIND. Losing w/ men. (Feel free to stop me at anytime =o)...) But... I guess them jokers are losing out on me, right? Losing the fight at keeping my winning swagger in tact (at times) or the up & down's of the taste of starting to win a little bit... only to get knocked back down to the feeling of "I can't win for losing," again. *sigh* I'm losing my patience.

I needed a break.
And so... I took one. In the form of a vacation.

And why not take full advantage of immersing my thoughts (and self) in the benefits, since the day before I was leaving for this vacation, my job let me know that due to budget cuts... my position would be cut. *sigh* Such is life when you're the newest kid on the block.

So... I left and went back to NC w/ Mom's to enjoy this "so-called" life to the best of my ability.
Trip started off on the wrong foot. Missed our flight and Delta charged an additionl $100 to re-book us. WTdoubleF'nHell?! I fly quite often (never on Delta - or at least, not in the last (6) years) and have missed flights and NEVER had to pay extra. So you KNOW I was HELLA salty. Not to mention I had to KEEP calling (3) hours before the next flight to see if there was any availability on the next flight. Finally got us booked on a new flight... and VOILA! off we were to catch this flight. Only to get there an have issues w/ the rental car company (Enterprise). Grrrr... This was NOT off to a good start. All I could do was laugh to keep from losing (yet again) my composure.

Finally got the car thing situated and off we were driving from Raleigh to Wide Awake Wilson. Wilson is soooo country, but it is the stomping ground of both of my parents. It was the location of BOTH family reunions. And honestly, although I could NEVA live there (my cousins constantly try to talk me into believing otherwise), it's starting to grow & become more urban with each visit. Honestly... I don't really care what part of NC I'm visiting short term, as long as there's a freakin' Bojangles Chicken & Bicuits somewhere nearby! I live at that joint. Cheddar'Bo biscuits and a surpreme chicken dinner (chicken strips) w/ the seasoned fries... it's music to my ears EVERYTIME! Although... folks were skimpin' a lil' on the cheese in the cheddar'bo biscuits so... I had to find a new spot to induldge in a cheese biscuit (Flo's) because of the skimping. Dag'gone this friggin' economy! Folks are even cuttin' back on the cheese! I promise you, though... this is not about to turn into a blog about food (for the most part). But know IN ADVANCE that I straight got my grub on!


Night one, I slept my azz off. All the flight & rental car drama whooped me like I stole something. But come that 1st Saturday (the 1st family reunion)... someone was about to get their azz whooped (at the family reunion, no less). Yes, there was a straight Madea's Family reunion event about to happen in that piece. This was the 1st time for this reunion. It was a new reunion for the branch of family on my grandfather's side. The reunion in itself was okay, I guess. (Clearly I didn't know the MAJORITY of these folks to begin with). But come the time to start conducting the "family business," which they conduct towards the end of most family reunions, folks got to actin' the nut. The people holding this reunion didn't really come prepared, as there was no P.A. system & people couldn't really hear for other folks talkin'. At one point they were discussing the who, what, when, why & where's & my aunt B stood up & made a suggestion. The lady upfront replied w/ something smart and all I remember is my cousin E, her daughter, turning to her (about 12 people down) and saying, "You want me to get her or are you going to?" *smh* Yep! Welcome to NC! lmao! (3) of my cousins walked out at this point to get some air. Whoo... I was chuckling to myself something serious. Until... some other no name individual stood up and started yelling (at everyone IN the place) like we were some 2 year old kids... talking about "SIT DOWN and SHUT UP!" because of the background noise while people were speaking. Now THAT'S when my attention was caught and NOT in a good way. She's like... "they told me before I left NY to let these people handle the family reunion. But y'all need to sit down and shut it up. My parents always taught me that when my elders are talking to listen (mind you, she's talking to a group INCLUDING her elders). And how in my day she would neva... (blah, blah, blah). " She then goes on to say, "now if you people don't get it together, I'm going to go to Greenville!" The majority of us had the same thought; Well take your azz to Greenville, then. We don't know who you are as it is!" I told my Mom that there's a tactful way to talk to folks and whomever that person was (my Mom didn't know, either) had plum MISSED the tactful boat. You can't yell at adults and expect them to HEAR your point. Cause all they hear is YELLING. So at this point, I was done, myself. Luckily, the reunion was pretty much over at this point, too. Cause my side of my grandfather's bunch can be slightly crazy. My cousins, aunts & uncles were all like this is the 1st and LAST time we go to this reunion. lmao! Yeah... I really could have missed it, myself. But... I did meet a cousin my Mom had wanted me to meet that lives up in Charlotte (because that's where I'm considering moving to) AND he's a friggin' realtor; so that helps me out in knowing & searching for spots in the area. =o)

Never the less... the rest of my trip was good, too. Had a couple of dates. Met up with some of the old blog heads from Xanga in Charlotte; one whom I've already tripped it to CA with, previously and one who I've talked with on the regular (over the phone) for over (3) years. Good times, there. Initially, my cousin was supposed to be driving down to Charlotte w/ me but... she renegged and I was irritated, at first. Had to talk to myself and say self: we no longer live in fear of the unknown. Sure you're a little hesitant about driving in NC to a place you've never been to, by yourself... but we don't let fear reign in our life. You can't wait for others to do what you can do by yourself. Sometimes... you just have to go it alone. And if Charlotte is indeed a place you'd like to move to, YOU need to go and check it out for yourself! And thus... I mapquested the directions to my girl's house... loaded up the car and bounced, solo. Took me all of 3 hours going, and 2 1/2 coming back. Met up w/ my cousin Fred & his wife (some aggie alumns) & had a good time. I have (3) cousins in Charlotte so I am GEEKED about moving there. Was supposed to meet up w/ a "potential" at some point during my stay in NC, who was driving down from DC. He didn't come (for one reason (or excuse) or another and I REFUSE to chase negro's anymore to get what should be given (the respect of a phone call) and since I'm no longer in the business of making excuses for unacceptable behavior... -----> NEXT! Don't get me wrong we did talk, but like I said in the prior sentence... WHATEV! Life is too short to be wasting on folks who don't put in a valuable effort. And if you're not meeting, beating or exceeding my effort... it's time to bounce. I'm not on strike against men, yet... but negro's will try to take you there. Too bad I love dick to much to cut it out permanently. I'll take happily single over unhappily involved any day, though! Don't get me wrong... some things are worth fighting for or hanging in there. But dayum if I'm hanging in there for someone who hasn't MADE my squad yet in the first place. Boy bye!


Anyhoo... this is long as heck and I'm sure 1/2 of y'all aren't reading it, anyway. Long story short, the 2nd family reunion (the regular July 4th one) was good. The food wasn't but... that's another story. My foine azz cousin was there *sigh* with his non-cute girlfriend. That *ish just had me ALL KINDS OF CONFUSED. I looked at my cousin and said... what do you think of his girlfriend? She said, "she doesn't look like 2 cents." I was like... I didn't think so either. WTH?" To which my cousin repied... "her head game must be off the chain!" *smdh* Preach! Just kidding... not really kidding. My infactuation w/ him was deflated a bit by her presence. Grrr...

Well Aki, hopefully this will suffice as a blog for the next month. Lol. Actually, once I get out of this losing funk, I might post again. I'm reading "17 Things That Are Holding You Back and the Truth That Will Set You Free" now, so... hopefully, I"ll swing out of this funk that seems to fluctuate from day to day here shortly. I'm trying to think positive. I really am. I mean... my luck has got to improve at some point, right? (Don't mind me, I'm just having a day. It really does come and go.) I'm tired of working for the man and I've definitely as of late been questioning whether I really want to work in HR anymore, as well. Oprah says, "Find a way to do something you love and get paid for it!" I've gotta get working on that! (I've got to figure out a way to go shoe shopping for a living! lol!) *high five* I will say that I'm SERIOUSLY considering making the move to Charlotte by the end of the year. I love NC. I have MADD family out there. I get a lot of attention out there , too. I even pulled an asian cat, this go'round. And THAT has NEVER happened. Not even here in CO. But I know I'll have a support system out there. My cousins are beyond anxious for me to move. And honestly... this was the first time in a LONG time that I didn't even want to come back. Had I had my car out there instead of flying, TRUST, I'd STILL be there. Maybe it's because I'm just soooo ready for a fresh start & a fresh perspective. But what I do know and need to get through my thick head is that I can feel like a winner regardless of circumstance. I do know that God is working behind the scenes in my favor and that I'm destined for greatness. I just need to stop the losing thoughts from cockblocking what I already know. It sucks cause I KNOW I never want to be in the position that I've become so accustomed to losing that I don't realize when I'm winning or when I've already won. I've seen it happen to folks. But trust that I'm working on getting me to the point that I want to be. Temporary set backs are only permanent setups for God's favor to reign in your life. =o) Okay... that is all.

Be Blessed!
~BK

P.S. Danie, I haven't forgotten about you. I can't even begin to explain... but thank God for my lifesaver.
P.S.S. In brighter news... Fantasy Football is officially about to be in full effect! Y'all know I'm serious about my fanstasy football. =o)

This post might be removed by the morning. I feel like it's a lil' too personal to be a public blog. I'm still deciding. But... you can always comment via email if it's gone.